i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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