Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
