i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
