I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
