the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
