How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
