Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
