how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
