I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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