The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
