so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
