remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
