Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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