I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
