I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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