I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
