Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
