A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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