Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
