I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
