Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
