I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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