Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
