I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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