dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
