We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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