sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
