I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize