Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize