I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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