Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
