So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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