Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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