I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
