she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
