I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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