I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
