Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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