I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Houston, we have a squirter
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
