I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
