Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
