Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
