I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
