Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
