The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
