Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
