I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
