I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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