Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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