my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
