Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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