i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
