I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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