Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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